Blogspiration Saturday Wk 1: Cast Your Sails

October 27, 2012

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” 
― H. Jackson Brown Jr.P.S. I Love You

Natalie Steel: [Chapter One] The Scent of Christ

October 26, 2012

Dear Sadie:” Natalie started to write in her journal. She had titled her journal after her grandma who had died a few years back. Grandma Sadie had been one of those few selective people Natalie had trusted her life secrets to. To be the sole keeper of her granddaughter’s deepest desires and far-fetched dreams, darkest secrets, and heart-felt sorrows, had been Grandma Sadie’s pride and joy. Grandma Sadie was not just a grandma with wisdom that came only with age, but she was Natalie’s confidant—her kindred spirit. And now that she was gone, Natalie turned to the comfort of the blank pages that her journal provided, in an effort to somehow fill in the void that she felt inside—to somehow make up for the loss of her dearest friend: Grandma Sadie.
            I wish Grandma were here to help me. Natalie continued writing. I wish she were here to comfort me. Guide me. I am lost and alone. You understand, don’t you Sadie? Why did God have to take my Grandma away from me? What was his reason for leaving me alone? Grandma Sadie was my best friend. I told her everything and she gave me the advice I needed, and the strength I needed to face my struggles head-on. And now that she’s gone, I don’t know how live without her! Life seems so confusing now that I don’t have her to help me. Oh, Sadie what will I do without her? I still need her—does God not understand? I don’t know what to do….
            I need her right this very minute, because I am struggling to understand something serious. Ever since my mom and dad put me in Public School, it’s like they don’t know me anymore….They don’t know what I am going through! Why does life have to be so hard, Sadie? Why does it have to be filled with the mixed emotions that constantly plague those who are weak and powerless? Why does life have to contain so much pain and deat,h that it is almost impossible to live a life completely submersed in happiness? How can God expect me to be happy and take joy in my trials, when he keeps giving me more than I can handle? Does God not see that I am unable to handle my current situation? Or does he simply not care?
            It amazes me that in the blink of an eye, you can lose not only you’re your dearest friend, but a fellow team member. Sweet Sadie, I regret to inform you that my beloved team member Gracie committed suicide two nights ago. It’s a loss I must bear, and a heavy guilt that I find cumbersome to swallow. I am afraid I might drown under this mighty pressure of guilt, as it attempts to take over the very breath that I breathe. Gracie— dear, sweet, innocent Gracie—was the victim of bulling by the cheerleaders in our school. I am afraid that these cheerleaders— these cruel, insufferable teenaged bullies—are also my friends. Having no part in this cruel act of juvenile violence, I find myself wishing that I had been. I find myself wishing and beating myself up over the fact that while they bullied Gracie, I stood on the sidelines and watched as they stripped her of her pride, self-confidence and sense of worth.  I watched her walk to and from school every day—a lifeless being scared by the constant abuse she received daily.  She was a girl that barely existed, but a girl that endured the torture of those who wished her harm, carefully clinging to what was left of her battered dreams and hopes—her cries for help a silent whisper in the dark….
            Putting her pen down, Natalie slowly closed her book, unsure whether or not she was finished writing the first solemn chapter of her journal. She was a brave girl, confident and self-assured, but she felt an overwhelming emptiness in her heart that ached to be made whole again. Reaching over to Grandma Sadie’s Bible that sat cockeyed on her messy desk, Natalie flipped through the old and tattered pages. The fragrance of coffee and vanilla—a liquid mixture for one of her famous chocolate cakes—that her grandma had spilt on her Bible long ago, grew stronger with each page that Natalie flipped.
            It reminded Natalie of Grandma Sadie’s love for life, her desire to spread the love of God to those who were hurting and in need, the weak and the weary, the desperate and the lost. As she thought of Grandma Sadie’s joy for sharing God with others, Natalie thought of her grandma’s life verse—2 Corinthians 2:14-15: “But thanks be to God, who always puts us on display in Christ, and spreads through us in every place the SCENT of knowing Him.  For to God we are the fragrance of Christ."
            Grandma Sadie was the fragrance of Christ, Natalie knew. She had always been a lady on a mission. Time and again she had told Natalie of her desire to travel the world proclaiming Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. And every chance Grandma Sadie got, she used her time to further the Kingdom of God. Whether it was in a homeless shelter, pregnancy crisis center, or a Food Bank, Grandma Sadie had devoted her life to the Lord and allowed him to lead her and work in her. She was His vessel, His arrow, His clay. He was the Potter, the oil that filled her soul and the target that kept her following the straight and narrow path that lay before her. Her target, she always said was her guide, her comfort, and the very reason she woke up every morning and existed yet another day. It was the same target that she devoted her life to leading others to, Jesus Christ.
            Natalie stared at her grandma’s bible for a while contemplating on the verse that she had read, and the feelings that were overwhelming her— engulfing her in an endless love and a sense of desire and urgency. She knew what this all meant. Her life was not over simply because her grandma was gone. On the contrary, Natalie’s life had only just begun. Because she had been given the courage, the strength and the enduring promise her God, her beautiful Jesus Christ, Natalie knew that her mission was to further the Kingdom of God in her own unique way. As her grandma had done before her, Natalie would do as well… trusting in the mighty hand of God to lead her along the way.
            Taking up her pen once again, Natalie quickly opened her Journal and began to scratch out her frustrated statements of doubts and confusion. God had not forsaken her because he had called her grandma home…he had only enabled her to spread her wings and fly.  


October 23, 2012

Lost. That is what I feel right now.  Lost as to what to post here on this here my blog. No longer to I have this nagging desire to post. I am not sure even what to post anymore, because nothing grabs my attention and urgency like it used to. Almost, maybe, it's like I have gone into a deep slumber with a period of time where nothing from within is meant to ooze forth any great meaning, other than to sit quietly and breathe in God's teachings and blessings. That has to be it, I suppose.It must be that I am at a time in my life where blogging doesn't give me that same rush of satisfaction, nor that same sense of hope and gratification. My bank is empty. There's no more inspiration to dig through. No more within my spirit to produce a meaningful post worthy of readers. And if this is so, then I cannot stand here and allow myself to continue to write bland, tasteless, and empty posts for those of you who are my faithful readers. I feel like I am broken and worthless. I need a rest, in hopes that the rest will rejuvenate my desire and love of blogging.But, until then. I bid you all a fair adieu. 

secular music...random musings

October 22, 2012

Normally I listen to Christian music. But lately I have branched out and have added some more questionably artists to my iPod collection. Not that the lyrics are icky or that the meaning is immoral; mainly the artists and the songs they're known for. 

Usher. The Script. OneRepublic. Tio Cruiz. Ke$ha. Lady Gaga. That's what's questionable. 

While I am not particularly into either of these names artists, I have found one or two songs of theirs that I either use when I workout or am writing and doing school. And before I ever add any songs to my iPod library I run them by my brother (who has an amazing gift as discerning music and the lyrics, as well as the meaning behind them) and discuss with him. 

Sometimes he catches words that I wouldn't normally (bad words) and he'll advise me against that: "You might not understand the words" he'd say, "but they will get into your head just the same. Words have a way of transforming you."

With that advice, how could I buy a song that has words that are filthy? Um...I am guilty. Sometimes I don't care about the lyrics because I like the beat. But I know that is, not exactly wrong, but very worshipful for me as a daughter of the King, because what you put into your body and spirit is what exudes from you. 

Searching for music has become harder and harder to do outside of the Christian realm. And it's disappointing. Especially for someone like me who loves a variety of music. should see me library. It's rather extensive! 

I have actually had to go back though my music library and delete many of the songs on there because I felt in my heart they were not at all what I should be listening to in order to obtain a heart like Christ. I have deleted my entire album of Lady Gaga and Ke$ha and Usher and Tio Cruiz. Even some rap, heavy metal and hard-core rock. Sad days, but I have since found Christian alternatives like Superchick, Plum, Luminate, always the amazing Newsboys, Toby Mac, Beckah Shae, and much more. 

My brother who likes rap and heavy metal as well has found superb alternatives. They are amazing singers and song writers that express their love for Christ a little differently, but are reflective of what God has done for us all. They embrace Him through music to reach others whose preference in music may only be drawn to rap or heavy metal. Which is so cool!

I am not against secular music, per se. But I don't agree with listening to every single song out there just because it's cool or new or because everyone else has it on their iPod. If its what you want to listen to, cool. I am not saying don't. I am saying to check your heart. Is the song you are listening to holy in the eyes of God and bring praise to his name? Or does it defile the very essence of what he stands for? Will it purify your heart or uplift it in a beautiful harmony meant to lift up His holy name?

Like I's your choice. I made mine by getting rid of all the bad influences on my iPod and even on the radio. But while I have gotten rid of a lot, I still have a few that I feel are okay to keep. Just always bare in mind that God wants us to put into our hearts and minds with is pure and holy. What we listen to and see ultimately comes out in our words and our actions. 

(these girls below have a great video peppered with scripture to back up why we, as Christians, should not listen to unclean music. Take a look!)


October 18, 2012

Your beauty overwhelms me
As I wrap my arms around you
I press your softness tight
Great passion fills my inner being
I'm captured in your embrace
Your eyes control my very soul
The touch of your lips, heaven
Forever frozen in time
All else fades into nothing

-Author unknown


Together we share our love
Together we share our future

Together we hold hands

Together we make love

Together we confide in eachother 

Together we help eachother

Together we share our secrets

Together we cry

Together we feel eachothers pain

Together we smile and laugh 
-Nikki Addleton

ED's Devos: You LOVE Me Anyway

October 15, 2012

A Sinner.

We are all this and so much more. Negativeness pervades our lives like a plague. 
It's inescapable. Unfixable. 
We are hopelessly lost. Hopelessly flawed.
But through all of that negative aroma God loves us.
He loves us in spite of all the baggage we hold.

I have baggage. Tons of it. 
And in the time of my eating disorder there was barely any room for love or for God. 
And yet, I am confident-and there is evidence-that He LOVED me anyway.
I am imperfect. I have had my share of pain
I have committed my fair share of sin. Horrible sin.
I inflicted severe punishment on one of God's beautiful temples.
And I regret that.
And I am ashamed of my life. 

But that has never stopped Him from living me!

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is the verse that I am confident is the very essence of Christ.
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away."
It's amazing.
Praise Worthy.
To know that God still loves is regardless of our inability to be perfect and blameless.
I am blessed to know that 1 Corinthians not only speaks of how I should love, but it also tells us about how God loves.
That's incredible! 

We all have struggles, baggage. Whatever you want to name it.
But know that all of that junk doesn't stop God's love from surrounding you.
And it doesn't stop it from penitrating your heart.
Or stop it from filling your cup with a water that is always there.
Always perfect.
Always strong enough.

So if you have an eating disorder, do drugs or alcohol, or whatever it may be that disables you from experiencing the full blessings of Christ. 
It's not going to stop Him from trying.
 It's not going to stop Him from loving you anyway. 
Because you are special to Him. 
His temples. 
His children. 
And this father doesn't give up on his beloved children. 

Here's some good news: 

Metamorphosis (Life of a Girl)

I. Cocoon

We struggle in the dark places.

Bones break.

Wings form underneath the skin,

rip through the back.

We transform in the warmth

of a folded leaf -

always in agony,

always quiet.

II. Transition

A tiny light grows.

The dark gives way to the sun

and the wings unfold -

still weak,

still unsure.

Then we move in a new way.

Once we crawled on our bellies,

now we fly above the flowers.

III. Weathered

Our wings are strong for a long time,

but the days are stronger.

We live and let go

and go back to that place of quiet darkness,

only this time,

not in agony.

The wings fold in -

a cocoon of color,

and that is where we say


[Prologue]: Natalie Steel

October 12, 2012

            Just by looking at it, you would never think that anything so spectacularly enormous could be a high school cafeteria.  Upon entering the seating area of the cafeteria, past the lunch line— which offered a vast array of foods for the students to choose from—students were caught off guard by the modernized elegance of this dining hall-like cafeteria.
            The size of the room was largely due to the high ceilings that gave the illusion that the cafeteria was actually bigger than it really was. With the impressive height of the ceilings, most students made an understatement when they walked unto the cafeteria gasping, “This place is huge!”
             Indeed it was. Even though the ceilings made it bigger than it actually was, simply stating that the cafeteria was huge, did not do justice to the enormity of the room that was engineered with exceptional craftsmanship and an elaborate flair for the dramatics.
            The cafeteria resembled more closely to a luxurious restaurant, than a dingy cafeteria that most people would associate with high schools. The cafeteria’s interior design was professionally done— from the color scheme of blue and white, to the furniture choice and placement—everything went together perfectly to create a modern looking cafeteria that would make any high school green with envy.   
            Due to the very big windows that were strategically placed wall-to-wall on the east, west and northern portions of the cafeteria, large amounts of natural sun light were allowed to illuminate the room— adding to the fresh, modern look.
            In the very middle of the eastern wall—which was the wall every student saw as they entered into the cafeteria— there were three floor-to-ceiling banners with the top athletes on the school’s sports teams. Showcased by the sun that came through the windows daily, the faces of the most popular and fearsome competitors were plastered on the walls as a symbol of pride and might, serving as a warning to all opposing sports teams that the school was a force to be reckoned with.
            In the center of the three banners was the full body of the schools most prolific athlete, a boy with good looks, the popularity and mad skills: Ashton Hemming. He was the number one football player in the school. The single best Quarterback in the county. Not only did he showcase his incredible skill on the field, but off the field as well. And flirting with the cheer squad was another one of his many “talents”.
            When entering the cafeteria, it was obvious to any student, which table was for the Cheerleaders. The circular table was placed— by specific instructions from Mrs. Rigby, the cheer coach— near three massive windows spanning the height of the eastern wall overlooking the school’s agricultural garden. The tables were stationed at left flank from the first of the three banners, as to not block the shrine that so many teens gather around daily to admire.
            The sign read "reserved". In order to sit at the table, you had to be one of them— the cheerleaders. And not just any cheerleader was permitted to sit at the table; the table was reserved only for the top cheerleaders on the squad. At the table, the most prestigious cheerleaders of the school’s elite cheer squad discussed important and personal business about the inner workings of the team.
            Many of the not-so-important cheerleaders gathered around the table to entertain themselves with the idle chatter and heated gossip that often occupied the queen-bees when cheer squad business was not the focus. Among the top cheerleaders presiding at the honorary table, sat a tall, solid framed girl known around the school as Allie— a girl with natural talent for cheerleading, and a stubborn and charismatic character — but to those who knew her best she was Natalie Steel, a calm, gentle-spirited small town girl.
            At first glance, no one would expect this robust, raven haired Native American to be a part of the cheer squad. Most people associate cheerleaders with platinum blond hair, light skin, blue eyes, the perfect body and a cute country accent. However, Natalie didn’t exactly fit into this category. She had the country accent; everyone in Tennessee had a southern twang to their voice, but she was the biggest girl on her team. Not really the type of girl you would visualize as the peppy pompom shaking, back flipper.
            Yet, she had somehow managed to make the team, and in the long run managed to make it to the top. How? She barely knew herself, but for a former homeschooler, being on the cheer squad was way better than being the victim of verbal abuse and non-stop teasing.
            In fact, Natalie enjoyed the perks that came along with being a cheerleader and took full advantage of her role on the cheer squad. She was the third most popular girl in school, next to Samantha and Shoshanna, had an amazing boyfriend, tons of friends, and had county-wide recognition for her talents. With her high ranking position on the squad, she was expected to come to all the school parties, allowed to skip classes for extra cheerleading practice before big games, and was considered to be the leading patriarch when it came to making consecutive decisions on school fundraisers and dances.
             Not only was she a cheerleader, but Natalie spent much of her free time studying to maintain her 4.0 grade average, was the captain of the school’s debate team, editor of the school’s paper, and the school’s yearbook “picture girl”. No one had the skills to organize and delegate like Natalie. However nice it was to live lavishly on a thrown of temporary power, Natalie never understood why cheerleaders had, what seemed to be, an in-bred desire to inflict cruel and unusual punishment upon unsuspecting victims.
            Even though she detested bullying, she did nothing about it—other than watch at a distance hoping not to get dragged into the conflict. She wondered, wished and hoped she could do something. She knew she could do something, but she was too afraid to go beyond her comfort zone to defend the people being plagued by the bitterness of her cheer squad.
            Sitting down at the “special” table, Natalie opened her small satchel lunch and took out a ripe Banana and a small sandwich. She was the only one there at the moment, which she relished considering that the table was usually was surrounded by chattering girls. As she took a bite of her sandwich, her moment of pleasurable solitude was short lived as the annoyingly high-pitched shrill of Shoshanna broke the silence:
            “You won’t believe it, Allie!” Shoshanna said using Natalie’s cheer squad name. She ran up to the table out of breath, her pale cheeks rosy red. She put a hand to her heart and the other on the table, stabling herself as she tried to catch her breath. “You’ll never guess what I just heard.”
            Natalie put down her sandwich and wiped her mouth. She stared blankly at Shoshanna as she chewed. She motioned with her hand for the girl to spill the beans. What was so urgent that it couldn’t wait for me to finish eating? Natalie wondered. In the meantime, while Shoshanna caught her breath, Ashton Hemming made his war over to the cheer table walking proudly; chin held high, chest puffed out, and his stride on the verge of being provocative. Natalie rolled her eyes as the conceited peacock, aka Ashton, “strutted” his stuff across the cafeteria.
             “Sup?” he asked as he stroked his dirty blond mane. He walked up behind Natalie, leaned in and, put his both hands on the table, trapping Natalie in the middle, her head resting on his rock solid chest. He kissed her on the cheek and then sat himself down beside her. Natalie smiled in embarrassment; she still wasn’t used to having a boyfriend, much less receiving a peck on the check.
            “Hey Ash,” Shoshanna said hurriedly. “Allie, are you ready to hear the big news?”
            Natalie shrugged her shoulders and said, “Okay—shoot.” Honestly, she wasn’t that interested in what Shoshanna had to say, but there was urgency in the girl’s voice that sparked her interest. “…stop, Ash.” Natalie said pulling away from Ashton. She fought to free herself from his grasp, but he held her tightly, lips puckered as he moved towards her attempting to steal a kiss. Natalie shoved him off of her, gave him a nasty look and said, “Keep your hand off of me.” She then turned her focus to Shoshanna who anxiously waited for Natalie’s unreserved attention.
            “Allie, I hate to ruin your day, because it appears to me that you’re enjoying your day. It would be a shame to ruin a perfect—”
            “Cut to the chase, Shosh.” Ashton said haughtily. “We don’t have all day.” He rolled his eyes in an agitated motion, leaned on one elbow as he played with Natalie’s hair with the other. Natalie swatted his hand away and turned to face Shoshanna.
            “Oh, yes, um, sorry about that. Anyway, I just got news that Gracie Lewis, a girl in the science—she’s also on the debate team—committed suicide last night. And guess what!”   Shoshanna chocked on her words. “There’s a rumor going around that we—I mean Samantha, Ashley, Fiona, and I—had something to do with it.”
            “Are you sure about this?” Natalie asked in alarm. Gracie Lewis had been the best debater on the team; she was a straight a student and was headed to Yale University on a full scholarship at the end of the school year. Something wasn’t adding up. Why would a girl, who had her whole life ahead of her, suddenly end it? “…and what is this about you having something to do with her suicide?”
            “Oh, Allie it’s all our fault!” Shoshanna said sitting down in a panic. 
            “Calm down, Shosh. How is this your guys’ fault? What did you do?”
            “We never meant it to go this far. We were just having a bit of fun—even Ash joined in from time to time—by picking on her.”
            Natalie was horrified. She knew that they were picking on Gracie, but never to that extent. This was why Natalie didn’t want to get involved in this type of stuff. She reasoned that it was better to be innocent, than to have any part in the situation, whether it was in defense of the victim or the attacker. But, she just didn’t understand why a strong, determined girl like Gracie would do such a thing. There had to be more than that to the story…something must have triggered this desperate desire to end her life. But what was the reason? Natalie further questioned Shoshanna about what they had done to Gracie. Turns out, the story didn’t get any better. The girls—Samantha, Ashley, Fiona and Shoshanna—had been sending Gracie hate mail, constantly stole her clothing after gym, and verbally abused her, all in the name of having a good time.
            “Okay, maybe we were relentlessly harassing her, but we didn’t mean anything buy it. We were just having fun. We can’t help it that she couldn’t take it.” Shoshanna twitched nervously, wringing her hands together. She was flushed and perspiring a great deal, no amount of deodorant would come close to stopping the flood of sweat that dripped from her blouse.
            “This is crazy! I cannot believe you guys would stoop to this level.”
            “Why do you care, Allie? You are the innocent one. Did you know that we could possibly go to jail if they find out, huh? Yeah, I am not looking forward to that, Allie.” Shoshanna gave Natalie a pleading look. But what was Natalie supposed to do? She had no control over the situation, and was barely able to wrap her mind around the whole ordeal.
            “I didn’t do a thing.”
            “Hey, don’t sweat it.” Ashton said trying to comfort Natalie. He touched her arm gently, running his had along the contours of her arm, starting from her hand up to her bare shoulder. He attempted to kiss her neck, but Natalie slapped him, “Stop, you pervert!”
            “Hey, Natalie, you didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t have the guts to, never did.” Ashton said still trying to schmooze his way into Natalie’s affection. “You just stood there and watched as they tore into Gracie. But you are not the one to blame. You’re reputation isn’t tarnished. You have nothing to worry about.”
            “Yes, it is my fault. I could have done something about it, Ash. I could have stood up for Gracie. I could have defended her like a real friend would have. Instead I watched her from the sidelines as she was shredded by the sly remarks and taken advantage of by Shoshanna and those other girls I am not ashamed to call my Cheer Squad sister. That’s the thing. I didn’t do anything.”
            Natalie shook her head and looked Ashton square in the eyes. He was taken aback by her feverish passion, as she accused herself for the death of one of her debate team members. She was torn. How could I have let this happen? She asked herself. Of only she had done something to help, stepped in and defended Gracie. Had Natalie shown Gracie the love that she so desperately needed then maybe she would still be alive. But because Natalie was so worried about what other may think of her going against the flow, she was never able to save Gracie, to show her hope and give her a friendly shoulder to cry on. From this day forward, I will not stand and watch why people get bullied. Lord, If you will give me the courage, I want to stand out and befriend those who so desperately need love and support. I want be the light, Lord and shine bright for you. Help me to do that, because I do not have the courage to do it on my own.
            The only way to save a life, is to whiteness to those in need, is to get out there, go against the flow, trust in God and let out light shine. Natalie was resolved to never let peer pressure distract her from her be the light in a world shadowed by darkness. Natalie was willing to taking a leap of faith, step out of her comfort zone, rise up and stand out, because that’s how the lost get found. I am ready when you are. I am ready to set the world on fire, Lord—for you.


October 11, 2012

This is Meadow! Isn't she cute? I am so excited to finally have her home and about ready to release into the home. I am waiting on that, though. Only because I still have to take her to the vet. She's been on lock-down for a while, due to the fact that I wanted to make sure she was acclimated into the home and the sounds and that she wasn't sick. I am getting her scheduled for the vet. All her kitty shots and stuff she'll have to go through, but I am OK with that as long as I am not going to the vet to have to put her down. Which I won't! Thank God! She's been such a stinker and so frisky, too. I wish you all could see her and hold her, but I'll hold her for you! ;P

ED's Devos: Banner of Love

October 10, 2012

On the radio I ran across a new Christian band that I have never heard from before. Their name was Luminate. <-- (what an awesome band name)! Anyway...the other day, not knowing they were going to be there, I was surprised when I saw Luminate in concert with Building 429 and Newsboys, along with Grace Cummings at the God's Not Dead Tour at Cornerstone Church in Madison, TN. The whole night was filled with uplifting, fulfilling music that lifted the spirits and opened the hearts to a flood of love and an ambient surge to spread that love. 

One song that stuck out to me during the concert was one song of Luminate's that I fell in LOVE with on the radio: Banner Of Love. I love the message of that song and how, yes, God does call everyone of us to be that Banner of love to those who need to know there are those out there who love them as much as God loves them. And that it is our calling to show them God's love. 

During my time with my eating disorder it was all about me. I could have cared less to love others because I didn't feel that anyone loved me. I was too broken and unworthy of such love that I didn't feel capable of receiving it, let alone giving it. 

But even then I had a burning desire to love. I just didn't know how to do that because my eating disorder, that selfish inducing monster inside of me, disabled that ability. And to this day it is still a struggle to find the time or the energy to love on others because I am still trying to find and give love to myself after all the crazy hardships I put it through. 

Yet, it gets easier after pursuing God and allowing him to carry our burdens for us instead of us doing it all alone. In John God says to believers that: "By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another" (Ch.13 V.35). Easier said than done. But if you work on it, pray, have faith, and delve into the Word, the easier it does become to show and give love to others. But in order to do that, we as humans much first deal with ourselves and selfishness and dig that plank of judgment out of our eyes before that love we have welling up inside of us can flow freely. 

I have never felt this much love flow through me before ED came into my life. I guess he was a good thing, for a matter of being able to see that during my tough seasons there are those that will stick with me through thick and thin; and it also showed me that God is not dead and that He is alive and living in me, and healing me and my slivered heart. 

There is the ability to love in everyone of us-to be that Banner Of Love. We just have to have guidance and trust in God for all our needs. Rely on Him for everything and allow Him to fill us with His holy love, as well as allowing others to show us the same love God has shown them. 

Dare you to move

October 8, 2012

This is small bit of my newest book-in-progress titles 'Anorexia Files' profiling a small-town-girl by the name of Debby Alston on her journey through Anorexia. Many of the sections in this novel present a darker-toned POV that some may not like to read. Keep in mind that this is a rough draft and not the final composition. 


All eyes are on me, burning a substantial sized hole into my body as the watchers become waiters, daring me to move. They've got popcorn in one hand and a soda in the other waiting for me to do something entertaining-like a circus freak with magical powers, having the ability to get out of a straight jacket and escape the shark tank.

But how can I move when chains bind me and bite at my ankles and writs? Their daring me to move is more like taunting me to try and break free when I can't. The watchers become wrestles as they observe me do more dangling than moving, and start tossing their drinks and food at me in protest. A show is what they had come to see, and I was not giving them what they wanted.

What the don't seem to understand is that the energy is gone. The will is gone. The desire to be free has left me numb and lifeless. They expect me to muster up an extra ounce of energy so they can watch me struggle and laugh at me when I fail. I can't move. I can't think. I want to give up.

The crowd starts to holler in disappointment. I stand there chained, covered with coke and soggy popcorn-slime. I hang my head holding back the tears that threaten to flow, wishing I were anywhere but in the presence of people who only see me as a stage freak.

Unable to flee, I am forced to endure the crowds cutting words and crushing glares. I stand there weak-kneed with the black eyeliner that the Ring Master had me put on smearing down my cheeks. Looking on into the crowd nothing seemed more right at the moment that running. Running to where I had no clue. But anywhere seemed better than being chained to this forsaken wall, being looked upon as a piece of meat.

People waiting for me to do something, so that they might have their fill of entertainment watching a young girl struggle to get free. Laughing and spitting and cursing and taunting for their pleasure and satisfaction, forgetting that I am a human, too. A human with a soul, a heart, and feelings just as much the same as them.

I feel as though they are blinded by the lies of Ring Master, who assures them that this tortuous treatment they have come to call entertainment is acceptable. They don't see a girl; they see a play thing. An object. No feelings. No brain. No heart. Just an amusing object.

And yet, they fail to realize that the girl they have made an object of their fun and games is someone who is hurting inside, deeply wounded by those who have misunderstood her, abandoned her, rejected her, and failed to save her. Little hope does she have left to be free, struggle as she may. The crowd continues to taunt and swear. And as I am carried back stage. I am frightened of the prospects that await me after the show. The curtains close. My heart sinks. Thus, I allow the first of many tears fall. 

My All In All

October 7, 2012

You are my strength when I am weak

You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I’d be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God

Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame

Rising again I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God

Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

Oh my

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name